I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
