I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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