God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Congratulations! We have a period
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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