Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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