shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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