Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
