Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
