I just threw up on my dentist
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
