1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
