Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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