Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
