Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
