Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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