Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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