I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
