She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
