I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
