I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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