when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
