I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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