He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
