No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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