Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
