my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
