theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I want a musical about memes.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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