I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
