mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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