My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
