Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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