If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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