The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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