guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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