I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
