This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
