so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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