Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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