Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
