im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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