Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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