Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
