No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
