everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
