If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
