Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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