If i come over, it means nothing
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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