My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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