our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
