Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
