I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
