I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Alive.
So much puke
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
why is half of my head shaved?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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