Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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